What Is And What Was

The Supreme Court legalized same sex marriage in all 50 states today. I. Am. Thrilled. I really am.

However. There’s a post I’ve been meaning to write, for, like, the last three years. And what I’ve seen today on Facebook, it’s given me the final push to write it, plus give it the ending it was lacking.

About four years ago I got to hanging out in with a friend I grew up with. I mean, as far back as I can remember, T was in my life. By some weird twist of fate she wound up marring a guy here in Alaska and living 6 hours (by car) from me. You’d think we’d take advantage of childhood/teenage friends winding up in the same state after college (and Alaska no less) and hang out pre-kids. But no, we weren’t that smart. Instead, after we had kids is when we wound up getting together.

You know what I realized? That 7 years later, kids were the only thing we had in common. This was someone I had sleepovers with, we told each other all the stupid little teenage girl crushes/dreams/hopes/fantasies like girls will do. When T’s family was moving out West, our little group got together and had this big sleepover, stayed up all night, cried together about how unfair it was – very 17 year old girl stuff. It was terrible, awesome, but terrible.

And now, unless we were talking about our kids, we had nothing, absolutely nothing, to talk about. I cried on my way home. It broke my heart that someone I had been so close with for 15 or so years, was practically a stranger to me. It was nothing either of us did. Our lives just happened and we walked different paths. It happens. We’re still “Christmas Card” friendly, but that’s it, that’s as far as it goes.

I was raised Mormon. A lot of friends from that period have fallen in the same category with T. I honestly have a lot of “For Nostalgia Reasons” people on my friends list.

My friends list. I have many, many different viewpoints on my friends list. I mean, we span all political factions, rude in your face atheists to bible thumping right wing Christians. I’ve found that I am a master of glossing over/forgetting offensive material and stopping any convos that will cause a rift. It’s worked great so far.

Until today. Today, when the Supreme Court made their ruling, I saw some of the worst, hateful, offensive, vile, ignorant and rude words come from the keyboards of people I have known for most of my life. These are people I consider family. They helped me and my family through some pretty dark moments in our history.

And they broke my heart with their words.

I just, it hurts to know that people I once felt so close to can be so mean and hateful.

I had to go through my friends list and remove them. It was hard, so very hard to do that. These are people with families that I grew up with. People that I’ve truly loved keeping up with and seeing how everyone is doing on their own path in life. People who  helped me see the light when I seemed to be surrounded by nothing but darkness.

I have spent the last few years working on getting to where I’m at right now. I’m getting past my negative body issues, getting in shape, finding a job I love, becoming financially stable and secure…. I have a great husband and amazing kid.

In short, I’m good. I really am. The feeling of letting go and walking away from anything that brings me down or makes me unhappy, of adopting a “whatever happens, happens” mentality… it’s amazing. It has done wonderful things for my mental health.

More and more the things that have been said online have picked at my brain long after I read them. Questions of “how can they be so ignorant?” or “why do they have to be so hurtful?” started to surface.

So, I had yet another reminder that people aren’t always going to be the same throughout my life. Just because we were once so very close, doesn’t mean we always will be. It sucks, it really does, but that’s what happens. It’s life, people grow and grow apart. Doesn’t take away from what you once had together, just means you need to redefine the friendship and reevaluate that person’s place in your life, and more importantly, in your head.

Based on this very recent reminder of people growing apart, I made a decision. To avoid backsliding on my new awesome life path, I made the heartbreaking decision to cut out people that are causing negativity in my head. I’m not angry, disappointed yes, but not angry with their words. I’m simply choosing to forget the hateful words of today, unfriending them, and choosing to remember the person who helped me see the light when I seemed to be surrounded by nothing but darkness and who was as close to family as you can possibly get without a court date.

And the flip side to this, I made sure to tell everyone they have the same option. If I’m not the person they remember me to be, and want to remember me the way I was, they are free to unfriend me, and I won’t think any less of them.

It’s just life, it sucks, but it is what it is.

I go to bed tonight with a hurting heart, but with much understanding and peace.

Drunky Bathtime Notes


My favorite thing to do right when I get in the tub?

Read all my drunky notes to self and boozy blog post drafts.

It’s like figuring out a cypher.

Drunk me code: can sober me crack it?

I should totally clean up the posts

but leave the boozy version at the bottom. You know, so y’all can see if that’s what you read too.

Please, Like We All Don’t Do Stuff To Occupy Ourselves When We’re Bored

So. I guess telling Seth about what I do when I’m bored was a mistake.

I mean, everyone finds a way to occupy themselves when they’re bored, right?

I don’t even remember how the convo with Seth got started, but there we were, in bed, talking about my BOD meeting that night. Usually I’m totally engaged in the meeting, but this I was bored out of my mind. Seth asked what I do when I get bored.

Well, based on Seth’s silence and the Seriously?!” look I felt him give me…. I should have not told the truth.

What do I do when bored you ask?

I try to blow things up with my mind.


I pick something, and concentrate on trying to blow it up with my mind.

For some odd reason, Seth thinks this is weird. It seems totally normal to me.

Just A Quickie

Hey all!

Just a quick note to say that now that they finally got me in the kitchen, I love it!! I love my new job. I think I’m going to be very happy there.

Also, if y’all helped out on my request for VooDoo Gris-Gris, let me know when you need me to reciprocate. I don’t take VooDoo Gris-Gris exchange promises lightly.

Seriously. Why risk with messing with that.

I’m Sorry, I Need to Rant

Seriously, you would be wise to just move on and ignore this post. It’s stupid and petty and I just want to fucking vent. I also feel I should warn that it will contain a TON of nasty language. I am so pissed off right now. If I was in Florida, I might actually make use of my “Help Me Hide A Body” list. (Okay, so I wouldn’t actually kill someone. But indulging in cheery fantasies isn’t always bad)

I went through an alternative private school in Florida (don’t even care if people know, it’s Seminole Independent Private School). Now, in the 15 years since I’ve graduated, my family has moved quite a bit and my transcripts and diploma have long since been lost or destroyed.

Now, to work in the hospital I have to go through a background check. I’m totally fine with that. The problem that has arisen is that when the background check company called and asked for a simple “Did April __________ Graduate under her maiden name _______ in May of 2000?”, the woman who’s the administrator got incredibly rude (woman from background check company’s own words) and refused to give any information out. The woman from the background check company said they do this countless times throughout the year, and this is the first time they’ve encountered this.

Now, at first the background check company didn’t tell me that the woman was incredibly rude and refused to give them any information, instead they just asked me to dig out a copy of my diploma. Since my folks couldn’t find a copy of my diploma I figured if I call and give my SSN number, the address where I lived at the time (what they would have on record) and whatever other info they needed to verify I am who I say I am they could give the verbal conformation to the company.

When I called, the woman was ruder than hell and told me that unless I mailed – an email would not be accepted, (mailed? Fucking mailed?! It’s 20fucking14, what the hell is wrong with email and a pdf – “I’m sorry, no, you can’t email that, but if you fax it that would be great! Oh, hold on, my pager is going off, I need to check it.” WHAT FUCKING YEAR IS IT?!) a notarized letter saying I got married and went through a name change, that she would do nothing at all. And, all she would do was mail a copy of my diploma out to me and would never give a verbal conformation (how fucking hard is that? It’s actually SO much less work than reprinting and mailing a diploma to me – asshole) or scan and email a copy of my diploma. However, it takes up to 30 days to process a diploma request. I had a tight deadline with a three day holiday weekend in the middle of this whole damn deal. I had to have my background check go through by Sept 5th or I can’t start on the 8th. This all started August 26th. You know what, here’s the timeline:

  • 8/26/14
    • Request for copy of my diploma for background check people
    • Called school and left message
  • 8/27/14
    • School called and woman said she refused to do anything without a fucking form mailed out.
    • I emailed the background check woman relaying info from school
    • Background check woman emailed back telling me of her woes in talking to the school’s damn admin
  • 08/28/14
    • Called school asking if there was anything I could do to get a verbal since there was no way that this would happen in my time frame. Explained that this was for a job, not just because I couldn’t find my diploma. Woman asked for my email saying that she’d email me a form and if I could email that back with a copy of my marriage license then she’d help since this was for a job.
    • Received email from school admin, stating that they needed the attached form printed, signed, notarized and snail mailed back to then along with a check (no, I couldn’t call with a cc # – WHO THE FUCK USES CHECKS ANYMORE?!) and they would get a diploma mailed back to me 30 days after the check cleared their bank “(usually 7 days from receipt of notarized letter and check)”. No fucking kidding. The email said they since it was the start of the school year, expect the processing time to be the almost full 30 days.
      • So- Let look at this fucking timeline here: About a week for the letter to get there (even w/ expedited mailing it takes 5 days form Alaska)-09/04/14. One week for their bank to clear my check – 09/11/14. 30 days to do a damn thing about it and get it out – 10/11/14 and another week to get it back to me – 10/18/14.
      • SO, WITH A DEADLINE OF 09/05/14 THIS FALLS COMPLETELY OUTSIDE WHEN I NEED SOMETHING DONE BY. And, and I would miss the next two orientations after the one on the 8th by the time it got here. It would be a full two months from my hire date that I would start.
    • Emailed background check company and relayed the info. Told them I’d do whatever I could to get them something.
  • 08/29/14
    • Figured I had to prove HS graduation to UAF so I called them to see if they could help me out. They said I had transferred from another college and they would be the ones to help me (Do not ask how forgot I went to college for one year in Florida)
    • Called Palm Beach State College and a very nice and super helpful woman reactivated my log-in from 15 years ago and reset my password so I could get in and see my unofficial transcripts.
    • Emailed a screen cap of my unofficial transcripts and school log-in info to the woman doing my background check
  • 09/02/14
    • Got an email from the woman doing my background check that the transcripts will be just fine


I’m sorry, and I know this seems stupid and petty and I shouldn’t rant, but it’s been a long time since I was treated that rudely by someone for something that shouldn’t be too difficult. I mean really? What was so hard about looking into records and saying “Yes, the bitch graduated”, FUCK. I had to bother a goddamn college in the middle of the first week of their fall semester and take up 30/45 minutes of this woman’s time when I’m sure she had a ton of current students trying to get their shit together. I mean, I understand that some people have to throw around the little bit of inconsequential weight they have so they can feel like a big girl and super important about where they stand in life, but why you would do that shit to a former student and jeopardize their job. Goddamn useless woman.




Give and Take aka Grown Up Shit

So. Got my Holy Grail job offer, right? Well, as it turns out, my hair color (blue, pink, purple, red, teal, fuchsia ect) is absolutely not okay. Not even a little bit.

Okay. I understand. Despite the fact I asked both before and at the interview and they said it didn’t matter. HR is the one with a problem with it. So, fine, this job is worth it, I can totally deal with “normal” hair color.

But now, now any visible tattoos are a problem. Now, when I’m in the kitchen I’ll be wearing a chef coat and pants so you’ll only see the one on the back of my neck. The problem now is Orientation. They don’t want any visible for Orientation. It’s required to dress business casual for the day, and the lady from HR is telling me without  straight up telling me that I need to buy a pair of slacks for Orientation. I own business casual clothes. A pinstripe pencil skirt, a few nice knee length flowy skirts, but all of them show off the tattoos on my legs. Now, I have a very nice red button down long sleeve shirt that covers all my upper body tattoos. But my legs? Ug.

I’ve had odd colored hair for 15 years. Tattoos for the last 8ish years.

I am an old-school punk. I mean a big – screw you, refuse to fit in to society’s ideal of normal, take me as I am or go fuck yourself – punk.

Yes I’ve toned down a lot since “growing up” and having Phillip. But man, this, this whole tow the line “policy” thing. I’m having a really hard time with it.

Don’t get me wrong. The job is totally worth it and I’ll do it, all of it, even bought color stripper, filler and a new “normal” color. However, there’s a very large part of my mind screaming at me that this is bullshit, complete and utter bullshit. I mean, my mind keeps telling me that “part of the reason we took this career path is because appearance doesn’t matter. I mean, yes we walked this path because we love to cook food and man can we ever make food taste amazing. But, it is one of the very few professions that doesn’t give a shit about our hair color or ink!”. In fact, the two guys who interviewed me said they didn’t care – they even asked the Department Head and she said it didn’t matter. It’s HR and the hospital’s damn policy that says I can’t have it. And boy oh boy, am I having a hard time with the forced “fit in”.


I’ll do it, but I don’t have to like it. It’s worth it for the job. I just have to keep telling myself it’s worth undoing my treasured appearance for the last job I’ll look for.


I got the job!

I got the job, I got the job, I got the job hey-hey-hey-hey!

WOO!!! They called on Monday and gave me the job offer. I dropped groceries all over the driveway in my haste to answer my ringing phone. I was dancing in the middle of the driveway while I was on the phone with HR. So glad they couldn’t see that.

Honestly, I don’t know how I kept my voice calm as I was dancing around.

I go in Friday for the HR bits and start September 8th.

SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Whatever Happens, Happens.

Welp, had my interview this morning. Froze on the internal temp a hamburger should be cooked to, but gave a higher number than it needs, so I think that’s okay. Also gave a higher number than needed for holding food on a hot line. Oh, and couldn’t remember that FIFO means First In / First out. pft.

Otherwise I think I did okay. Maybe. I don’t know.

There is one position and I think two of us applying for it.

Had a thought occur to me last night, I have never interviewed for a job that I didn’t get. I have never had to deal with job rejection. I honestly don’t know how I’d take it.

Usually, and in the past, I took the “Walk in like I already have the job and be myself”, and I never had this nervous upset stomach before. I’m really worried. I think, yeah, this is the first job that I really, really care about. I know there will be other jobs and I know I can get another job without much hassle, but this is it. This is the last one I’d look for. This is the one I would be okay staying in Alaska for the rest of my life for. Well, shy of opening my own restaurant, that is.

*deep breath*

Whatever happens, happens. It’ll be okay. It really will.

I just really wish I could shake this nervous stomach. I made about 1 cup of zucchini noodles and sauteed then with mushrooms, sun-dried tomatoes and feta. It totaled about 2 cups of food. I couldn’t even eat half of it.

Oh God.

I got the interview. My Holy Grail of jobs just called and set up an interview for tomorrow morning.

I haven’t said anything about it because I’ve been out of my mind since i turned in the application. Now that they’ve called, I’ve gone from HAPPY DANCE E’RYWHERE! to OH GOD! sick to my stomach nervous.

Please grab your VooDoo Gris-Gris for luck and start making that mojo for me.

Appreciation will be shown by way of return Gris-Gris mojo when you need it.

Long Live the Geeks!!! (Well, Whovians, for the sake of this post)

Did I ever tell y’all about the time I had the TARDIS engine noise as a ring tone?

Once a year the college up here does this big thing at the Engineering building for kids. They bring out cool projects to demo, cook foods using really neato science – then give it to the kids and have really neat science ans engineering activities for kids. Other groups come in too, like the youth Robotics league, and demo all their projects. It is totally worth your day and really cool! And, lets face it, science and engineering geeks and nerds are pretty damn awesome to hang with.

Anyway, Hellian and I were in the big common area with about 150 other people looking at all the cool robots and science projects when my phone rang. Seeing that it was a friend, and not super important I stuck it back in my pocket, making a note to call him back later.

It’s funny how it started. The guy doing the demo we were watching got quiet. Then the people nearest me all fell silent. It was like ripples on the water. The noise just stopped in a wider and wider ring around my ringing phone. About the time my phone stopped ringing, the silence had reached the middle of the room. Around the time, maybe 20 seconds later, someone started talking again, my phone rang again. Again, the TARDIS engines rang out. This time, the whole room fell silent within the first two rings.

I could see it. All these people, many of them well educated, reaffirming the rational bits regarding Doctor Who within their minds: “Doctor Who is just a television show. It’s obviously a ring tone or recording. It’s not the TARDIS showing up in Fairbanks. The Doctor isn’t real, he’s only a fictional character on television”

And then, then, magic happened. A voice, a lone child’s voice range out, breaking the silence. “MOM! MOM! THE DOCTOR IS HERE! MOM! I HAVE TO GO FIND HIM! OH MY GOD! MOM! IT’S THE TARDIS! MOM!” Then, a kid (guessing about 7-8 years old) tore out of the room, shoving into people and leaving a slightly desperate woman (assuming his mom) trying to catch him in his wake.

But seriously, think about it. Yeah, the adults got quiet because it’s nice to believe, even for a moment, that someone like the Doctor is real, but we’re grown ups. We’re old, jaded and cynical. Magic is nothing but illusions and tricks. Fairy Tales are just stories. Monsters and dragons have long since turned into horrible bosses, bills, looming deadlines and over drawn bank accounts. Yeah, we like to pretend to believe that The Doctor could be real, but we never really do. I mean, that stupid adult voice in the back of our brain will never really lets us. But this kid, this amazing child, just had the very best day ever. His hero, this man who travels through space and saves people, he was real. For that day, that moment, the impossible happened and he was delighted.

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